Desire is Stronger Than Pride
by Budgie-loon
Summary: First HH fic. William Bush angsting over his emotionless, untruthful relationship with Horatio and despairs he will never compare to a certain Lieutenant. Slash. M just in case. R&R but be gentle


Title: Desire is Stronger Than Pride

Rating: M - just to be safe.

Warnings: Slash!Lime lime lime! Plus dead Archie, emotionless Horatio and angsty Bush. Not a happy day in the Hornblower fandom.

Pairing: Horatio/Bush/Archie

Disclaimer: I am not C. S. Forester. I am not A&E productions. I do not own Horatio or Archie. Not even William Bush. Which is a good thing for them really, who knows what I would make them do if I _did _own them. ;)

Yeah…I'm not good with citrus fruit…oO

* * *

I never asked him to lie to me. I never asked him if he loved me. Knowing him he would've replied with a simple 'yes, William', wanting to spare my feelings. He was always so considerate.

The precise reason I didn't ask.

It would be cruel of me to ask such a respectable gentlemen to taint his morality for me. I couldn't live with myself, knowing I'd damaged his honour simply to receive a false word of hope.

I was perfectly aware that every time we stole a few forbidden moments, he would rather I was not there. Every time our lips found each other and we became consumed with every desire we shouldn't, he was wishing I would go away. Oh, how I longed for him. Beautiful, beautiful Horatio. His eyes were young, yet full of experience; pleading for more of what he knew. I happily obliged, though in truth, he wanted nothing of that sort from me.

I remember the first time we became entangled with one another. I was still recovering from my sword wound that I sustained upon defending HMS Renown. He was recovering from another kind of pain. We were lost, injured and confused. I don't recall the exact details. All I can recollect is that it was a mutual decision that led to us becoming wrapped around in each other in the less than romantic setting of a store room. It was an animal instinct that consumed us. We weren't proper or gentle about it. We wanted each other. I wanted to taste his youthful, rosy lips and feel his soft body against my own. It was a strange kind of heat that existed between us…neither of us said a word. Our passion – if you can call it that – was somewhat formulaic. We kissed, we stroked, we removed each others clothing, we committed acts that could see us face the hangman's noose.

Yet the next day we resumed our roles of duty…ignoring the fact that we had so disgustingly violated the Articles of War.

It went on like that for a while.

Soon enough I realised I was being used. There was no dramatic revelation of his true feelings; no gasping out another's name during the climax our lustful meetings. I just realised.

I saw the emptiness within him. Even as we gasped and shook with yearning and excitement, he still seemed so soulless…so numb. Even if it was him servicing me; caressing and exploring my skin with those expert fingertips and causing me the greatest pleasure known to man, I never saw any emotion from him. It was as though he was doing his duty (all that he ever wanted to do in life).

Of course…it seemed so simple. How could I forget? My darling Horatio had sported no fire in his eyes since the Renown. Since the death of 4th Lieutenant, Archie Kennedy. Of course Horatio loved him. Whenever Horatio was with me, upon me, under me…he was thinking of Archie. Whenever he kissed my thin mouth he was thinking of Mr. Kennedy's flirtatious smile. He wanted Archie's love, not mine. He wanted to touch Archie's flesh, feel Archie's tongue over his body and become one with Archie. Not me.

It was never me. I had always known it, but now I truly felt it. That bitter sting. Bastard. How could that bastard treat me so ill? Damn him to hell! I should have nipped our vile behaviour in the bud, before I became too intoxicated with this sweet, darling man. Yet I feared it was too late. I should have stopped, out of respect for myself!

However, it was as I had feared – desire is far stronger a feeling than pride.


End file.
